Ambition, or lack thereof.

If you know me long enough, you should already be aware by now that I'm not exactly the most ambitious person around. By ambitious, I really mean someone who aims higher than the average Joe (just a name with no respect to any person in particular, please don't take it out of context), be it on the corporate ladder, or in the academic field, etc. And I suppose people will probably think that I'm too laid-back for my own good. But that's okay, because I am perfectly alright with being just average in most aspects of my life; I simply have no desire to be the best (& since I do not see it as a problem, you should not too). Doing well (even though it's mostly nice), comes as a bonus (and is not a must for me); it is a well-deserved reward for all the effort that you've put into whatever you're doing.

If you'd asked me what my ambitions were 15 years ago (when I was still a naive little girl, still am, just not so little now), I'd have answered with some really lofty answers that would have made any parent proud. In the most random order, I'd wanted to be a lawyer (when I was 11), an astronaut (7), doctor (8), a psychologist (12), a marine biologist (15, but dreams crushed when I wasn't able to do Bio in upper secondary).

All of that loftiness was way before I realized that I should start getting real; with the education system and the society constantly telling me "Nope, you are just not good enough", or "Nope, we don't think you're cut out for this". This realization emerged during the upper-secondary years, and went through the most intensive development when I was in polytechnic.

And so, all my lofty aspirations disappeared slowly, but surely. And in between the time of disappearance, I started to get obsessed with many distractions in life; e.g. travelling, gadgets, fashion. I no longer wanted to be a lawyer, astronaut, doctor or psychologist (with the exception of marine biologist okay); no more high-flying, noble-sounding career ambitions, my new focus was to make money so that I could achieve all my wants. And that I did; I part-time worked my ass off while I was still in poly; held on to 2 jobs at a time and often went to classes weary. Looking back, I don't really understand how I managed to juggle my studies with all that part-time work, (mostly) regular CCA trainings, outings with friends, and boyfriends even!

Digressing, I definitely wouldn't be able to do that now (and that's why I'm only tutoring and am boyfriend-less. Yeah right, I can almost hear you say).

Anyway, I totally lost idea of what I wanted to do with my life after polytechnic amid all that part-time working; I didn't even have time to think about that. And somehow, I stumbled upon the path where I'm on right now. I really have no idea if it's what I want to stick to for the rest of my life, but I'm happy with the way things have turned out for me, for now, and I'm really hoping that I will still be happy a few years down the road, looking at where I will be then.

I've kinda given up on ambitions, because I think that it's so not going to work for me any longer. While life has become much less of a flurry now in university, with more time to self-reflect and think, I came to understand that I'm not much of the go-getter; more like the getter-by. All that I (really) want right now, will be to just live life and enjoy the most that I can get out of it. I just want to make enough money so that I can travel to all the places that I've dreamed of going, eat all the food that I've wanted to try, and love everyone back in the same way that they would love me (with reference to monetary-related means) and enjoy what the world has to offer to me.

I think Mumsy will be so disappointed to read this; to find out that I'm not a go-getter but instead, am merely aiming for somewhere really low in life. Don't tell her, okay?

Just re-read the last paragraph, and hor, I think I'm not that unmotivated after all; my motivation is just fueled by passion instead of ambition.

If you've come to the end without passing any judgments on me, thank you very much.