lies I hate to tell.

Today, I told a lie.

Someone had asked me to help him sign his attendance for a lecture that he was skipping. Students had to head all the way up front to sign the sheet today and I'd already signed mine even before I saw the message. It wasn't the first time (to be fair, I did ask for his help once or twice in the past, but that's just that one or two instances) he'd asked me to help him forge his attendance, and truth be told, I was getting annoyed that he's pushing his the bulk of his responsibility to come for lectures onto me repeatedly.

So, I replied with a lie saying I wasn't attending lecture either and had asked another friend to help me with my signature, and told him to get another friend to help him with it.

I was so darned filled with guilt for lying, for the rest of the lecture after I sent that message and I couldn't concentrate on what the lecturer was saying at all. I even disrupted my friends who genuinely wanted to listen to the lecture by asking them for help on what to do, showing them my paranoia of him suddenly turning up and exposing me as a liar; it was really awful and I kept my head down for the fear that some of his other friends might tell him that I was there in the lecture theatre. Really sorry girls...

I've talked about this before, automatic guilt. But it looks like it's not going away for now. I could really have saved myself from all that guilt by rejecting him straight; tell him off for not being responsible for himself. I didn't, and chose to reject him by conjuring some lame-shit story instead.

Sometimes, I don't know who is it that I dislike more? Myself? Or maybe people like that? Why can't I just say 'No' to people directly, get things over and done and spare myself a lot of trouble, instead of feeling bad about rejecting people and worrying about people seeing me as a prude. I can't help but wonder, do these people actually feel bad for making someone responsible for them out of nowhere? If no, you are just using me for your need so why should I even bother help you for something that could get me into serious trouble? If yes, then why are you even asking me for help in the first place?!

ps. Another one lagi better; this girl and me, we're in the same tutorial group but I have never spoken to her. She got my number from a friend (whom I'm not even close to) and messaged me to ask if I could help her sign her attendance for a tutorial class because she 'had something on'. Win.

pps. I'm not a prude; I'm okay with it if it's just once or twice and you have some emergencies like girlfriend's birthday party, family matters, etc... but I'm not if you keep doing that!