the E word

Ego.

This three-letter word is a tiny heavyweight; 

its mere length of 3 letters is by no means an accurate indication of 

the frightening conceitedness some people seem to have.

The ones who insist that they don't, usually have tonnes of it. 

If you're not observant enough, you might just fall for it.

It is nearly impossibile to hear a sincere (forced, maybe) apology from their mouths.
Their declinations to accept help from anyone and everyone - 

"nope, I don't need your help, I can do it on my own" (sounds familiar?)

can be seen as an indicator of independent behaviour, 

but when overdone, simply become outright refusals in accepting that 

there can be methods/answers better than theirs.

They must just really be afraid of having that proven.

Ironically, the ones who will not hesitate to admit that they are full of ego

usually have that in them in much lesser denominations.

They reach out for helping hands (that don't mind 

lending themselves) in times of need,

not forgetting to say "thank you" after the help's been rendered, of course.

They understand that no matter how good they may be in something, 

there will always be someone else out there who will be better, 

stronger or smarter.

Ego.

All of us have some of this self-importance in us,

some of us a little more than the rest.

Grey areas

As we grow older, things that could be easily pin-pointed as right or wrong in the past don't seem so clear-cut anymore; black and white zones are no longer mutually exclusive, and the grey area has also increased tremendously.

The accumulation of life experiences and lessons over the years has made it so much easier, and yet, also much harder to make objective judgements evaluations about the people and events in our lives. So much easier because we are now better equipped with the vocabulary to talk about it, but more difficult due to clashes of personal beliefs, or the realization that everyone can be unwilling victims of circumstance (sometimes).

disappoint

Change is inevitable; that is undeniable.

Still, I can't help but wish growing up does not equate to growing apart.

What I (do not) take seriously

Over time and experiences, I guess I've more or less come to decide on what are the things in life (mine, that is) that ought to be taken more seriously than others. 

To first illustrate, I don't take some of the things that some people (with dicks -oops- especially) say too seriously these days because I learnt that is a good way to avoid disappointment or heartbreaks. Adding on to that, I don't think I take promises made by the same flippant people too seriously too. 

Lying used to be considered as one of the deadliest boo-hoos on my great list of boo-hoos, but now, I don't think I'd even get angry when I find out that I had been lied to; I find it amusing instead. Today, when I thought about the stories that someone had cooked up to cover up for something that totally needn't be a lie, I only wondered why did that person bother to think up such wonderful stories when it didn't really matter if he was telling the truth or not. 

*Hm. I think I might have just gotten the answer to my own question: it doesn't matter because I'm not being taken too seriously as well. Ah well.

People who can't take me seriously. Sorry, I believe in reciprocal relationships.

People who cannot be serious when they need to be. Have you tried working with one of them? If not, I hope you'll never have to.

People who are way too serious. They need to learn to take a joke and smile/laugh more.

Commited romantic relationships. Sure, they're nice, and they make you feel all fuzzy inside from time to time but that all that unhealthy dependance and remember the first point I made? I'll pass for now.

I don't expect my list to be very similar to everyone else's, but I think it's been useful for me so far. Helps me maintain a 拿得起, 放得下 attitude in life towards most things and I guess that's why I always look so cheerful?

you cannot please all.

Had a nice Facebook chat with Jenny tonight and she had some advice for me: "You can please one, but you cannot please everyone." Not going to try again, or at least that's what I'm telling myself for now.

I shall just continue enjoying the rest of my time here in Hong Kong. 

Why did I take such a long time to figure this one out? I mean, everything's really within my control. Right? ;)

ps. that's not me in the two pictures in case you're wondering; my cousin lah. 

Things I don't understand

#1. I don't understand, why are people so reluctant to accept change; even if the changes are merely just a (temporary) permanent fixture of their lives and they'll even come up with ways to go around them.

#2. I don't understand, why people sign up for things that they end up complaining about, most of the time anyway. Do they really like to whine so much?

#3. I don't understand, why are we so self-centred; anything happening that is not to our advantage automatically renders the situation/person/subject-matter inefficient/stupid/sucky/etc - have we considered the factors that influence these happenings?

#4. I don't understand, why do we like to compare? And why is it that with most comparisons, we like to give ourselves much more credit than we actually deserve? What happened to being humble?

#5. I don't understand, why do we go into a language-specific learning class, and start translating whatever phrases that are given to us into another language when it doesn't really help in the learning of the afore-mentioned language.

#6. I don't understand, are smiles and silly but harmless gestures meant to be greeted with unfriendly glares?

#7. I don't understand, why do people like to use the words 'weird' and 'strange' instead of 'different'? Am I the only one who thinks there's a negative connotation to the former two?

#8. I don't understand, why do some people like to restrict or authorize the entry of new members into their cliques.

#9. I don't understand, why do people say one thing and mean another?

#10. I don't understand, does replying someone online depend on how much you like the person? Why do we wait for a reply for the longest time but nope, the other party's not even typing.

#11. I don't understand, why do people expect others to understand how they're feeling when they've yet to even try understanding others.

#12. I don't understand, why do people in love forget about their friends.

#13. I don't understand, why are people so judgmental? That said, I'm probably one of the most judgmental persons around because it takes a judgmental person to identify another one and I've identified a great deal of them around me.

#14. I don't understand, why can't some people just admit their mistakes or admit that they don't have the answer to a question? Why do other people who understand the concept of 'saving face' have to come up with ways to help 'save' another's face by dumbing down or pretending that you're totally clueless when you're not?

I feel so sad when I think about the answers to some of my questions; heading off to bed now, and I hope I'll stop thinking about these when I wake up later.

ps; maybe i can do a "things I understand" post for the next entry.

Jaded.

The last assignment of the semester's finally submitted. I procrastinated (like how I'd predicted), and I paid for it with a night's worth of sweet slumber, a great deal of last-minute rushing and some heart-stopping moments when my darned thumbdrive refused to work. It was horrible; having to down two bottles of chicken essence and a cup of coffee (my tummy felt weird after) just to keep myself awake, and repeatedly go through the incoherent paragraphs that I'd written, keeping my mind in a perpetual boggle. It was so very horrible but I totally deserved it. At times like that, I don't know if I should be marveling at my ability to conjure a superfluous 2,000-word essay in a night or be ashamed that I was only trying to briefly touch on a module that I've raved so much on by merely lumping lexical sets together to make up the word-count. I'd bet your gut's telling you to go with the latter. Mine too.

Guilt was the only thing that filled my mind when my tutor spotted me in the staff corridor during submission this afternoon and said Hi. I've really enjoyed his lessons and I even thought I'd been well-prepared by completing the readings weekly; seems like that's not going to be nearly enough, I'll never be one of the ones to come up with the model answers and I'm truly apologetic if I've been a disappointment.

Despite the horrible post-submission feelings that I'm experiencing right now, I must say that I'm glad to be finally able to focus on exams' revision!

Oh. Lack of a night's worth of sleep results in what you see above; I can sleep just about anywhere as long as there is a resting place for my head. Xinrong snapped this some few weeks back and I think moments later, I was lying on the study bench on my back taking a quick snoozeeeee.

tired and bruised

I can't seem to make up my mind on which bruise is more painful; the bruise on my left shin, the one on my right shin, the one on my left thigh or the one on my right index finger (yeah I know, how did it even get there?). There are another 34734389302 abrasion marks and tiny nicks all over my legs (even the sole), and together with the few mozzie bites that have been scratched to become bloodied scabs by me... I am annoyed. By all these little nicks that have been causing me mild irritation to severe discomfort. But I should really be annoyed with myself actually, for even allowing them to get onto me and complaining about them now.

I really don't want to end up with dented shins. Wish I'd be a little less clumsy. Blah.

People like to ask for 'honest feedback' so often that I can't help but wonder if they are prepared to handle the cruel and disheartening truth (most of the time), me included. Some people just enjoy receiving positive affirmation from the rest on their work/themselves (don't deny), while others want 'truthful opinions' so that they can make adjustments/enhancements to their work/themselves. In most polite 'face-saving societies' or used by some as a strategy to avoid bruising a friend's self-confidence, the cold, hard 'truth' is sometimes sugar-coated with a layer of social niceties and something truly unpleasant can end up sounding acceptable or even great.

I think that's the way Singapore functions, or among my friends and acquaintances at least. We have become so used to and dependent on the sugar-coated feedback that we are no longer able to accept constructive criticisms that don't sound half as lovely as all that fructose-candy goodness; instead, we see critics as rude, fault-finding individuals who just love directly challenging us (yeah right, why are they even bothered in the first place) and then we start getting all defensive and worked up. Sometimes, things gets so bad that people don't even look at things in a clear-headed and objective manner anymore, not realizing that they sound like complete idiots who have no clue about what they are defending anymore. I do this pretty often admittedly; even though I like to constantly remind myself that 忠言逆耳. It doesn't matter if your friends are trying to protect you, or be nice or encouraging by avoiding negative truths, because we learn to settle for something lesser in the end by leaving them as they are even though you know it can turn out much better.

If things happen according to the way I want them to, then I'd be probably be producing the most awesome of assignments/proposals/lesson plans, and I will be the perfect person that I've always dreamt of being naturally effortlessly. There will be no need for feedback, because things are just going to unfold in the ways they are supposed to be, and nothing will go wrong because Murphy's Law doesn't exist. But no matter how hard we desire, we all know things are never like this in real life, that's why there's always stories of successes and failures.

When I think aloud to myself and my friends hear my thoughts (that sometimes do not necessitate replies), they will be super nice about it.

Example:
Me: Why am I so fat? :(
Friend A: You are not fat dearie! I am fatter than you lah, look... (totally not true okay)

I'm never ever going to lose weight if they keep telling me that because the truth is, I am fat because I am so depressingly unmotivated in exercising (and you should really look at all the crap *don't take it literally tyvm* I eat) and nobody tells me that instead, but I cannot help and be thankful that my friends usually keep the nasty comments to themselves, because I might just die from embarrassment if they replied like that:

"Are you sure you really want to know why you are so fat? I'm going to say it even though you don't want to know. Look at all that crap you eat without even exercising. You so deserve to be fat lah."

I will confirm burst into tears. 

It doesn't just apply to my physical appearance, but the most funny thing about all this? It's okay if I am the one saying it instead; I probably won't feel half as depressed if I were the one to saying it to myself, not that it'll actually work (tested but not yet proven, I REALLY WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT).

I'm lazy to raise more examples or elaborate any further. My point of writing these blocks of text? I definitely want to do better at the things I do and not be constantly stuck in a rut just because people are trying to be polite. And people who have been awfully nice to me, I really appreciate your positive words of encouragement so don't stop being awfully nice to me! Don't know bout you but I can see myself saying a whole lot more of nasty (but truthful) stuff to myself in the near future, good to hear the awful truths from myself first before hearing it from somebody else. Or even better, work on the awful things you tell yourself about you before people have anything bad to say.

So, nasty-sounding but honest thing that I want to tell myself today: Stop procrastinating and saying you don't have time to do your essays when you have all the time in the world to Facebook-stalk people, visit www.cuteoverload.com, www.tastefullyoffensive.com and www.lamebook.com. You will totally deserve your shitty grade for Multicultural Research Paper if you don't pull your damned act together. Like now. 

By the way, it's totally alright if I'm the one saying it to myself but it's not if you are the one telling me that.

Okay kidding. You can continue telling me what a lazy ass I am, but be gentle k.

28 October 2010

Dear whoever's reading,

Today I decided to take my P-plate down.
I also decided to replace Thomas Ong with my own photo as display picture in MSN messenger; cannot bluff people say I am Thomas Ong liao.

And finally, I saw didi's latest pictures on Facebook; one of which was captioned: Five Mozambique policemen (including one woman), with rifles strapped around their shoulders, shoved us into an alley and extorted money from us (three of us) in broad daylight.

Goodness that is so scary. I hope he stays safe whichever part of the world he is at now. Miss him loads.

as of now

Tonight, I learnt to feel a lot more for something that's always been close to my heart; something that's been taken for granted for the longest period of time. I wish I can find like-minded people to talk about these issues soon. After all the horrible deadlines are over, maybe. 


And of a separate matter, I really don't know if it'll continue to work. I'm tired of non-rationalization; and I am not apologetic if you guys think I'm a mild manifestation of Sheldon Cooper in real life (sans the intellectual capacity, of course), someone's got to play the devil's advocate, right?


ps. don't you hate the ambiguity in entries like these? i love it.

race, that mean race car ah?

I absolutely love Tan Hong Ming's facial expression at 1.12, and the subsequent actions that followed after he realizes that his crush is not such a one-sided affair anymore. As for the second video, I'm sure everyone was just as tickled when the Chinese boy had doubts about the definition of the word 'race'.

These clips were shown to us during a lecture last week and judging from the responses of the people in the lecture theatre, it was pretty much obvious that nearly everyone shared the same views about these clips. Yes, they're funny, cute, sweet, innocent, etc... but there's really more to these surface niceties. Other than the element of some light-hearted humour, here's what I took away from them (and of course, the lecture itself):

Kids are (so) much more open-minded than we think they are and we adults are the ones who's been putting edivisive ideas into their minds.

Strictly speaking, it's not quite accurate to say they're "colour-blind" (like what was suggested in the above two videos); especially since outward/physical appearances and imagery are things that catch their attention most easily at their age. What sets them apart from us adults is; unlike us who (typically like to) categorize/discriminate against people according to stereotypes based on skin colours, the kids don't carry out this sort of biased segregations. This non-execution is largely due to the fact that they are very much unaware of the idea of racial/ethnic (I'm using these 2 terms very loosely here) discrimination; and this 'ignorance' (of sorts) is exactly what we need to learn from these very young children. A child wouldn't mind playing with other children of ethnic groups different from hers; no prizes for guessing right who are the ones responsible for planting stereotypical views of different cultures in her mind. When we do things like that, we are not only severely limiting her view of the world, but we are also forming inaccurate and biased representations of the different cultures in her very un-corrupt and malleable mind -- reinforcements of these representations (by majority of the people who surround her) manifest to become ideas of loathing that will follow her throughout her life. How scary is that? What we are capable of doing...

sigh

Dad said some of the most insensitive things over dinner earlier on and I teared a little. Mumsy's still angry with him for saying what he did, and me, I'm sickened that he's capable of such hurtful and mindless words; that's the reason I got so emotionally charged, not because I was the target of his words (whom I wasn't).

I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to change his stubborn ways of thinking, but it seems like it's going to take a damned lot of work and I don't know if I'm ever going to be up for that, he's not exactly the nicest person to talk to of all the people I know.

laughing too soon

Today, while driving back home, I laughed at the ridiculous 'election' that's going to take place soon in N. Korea and asked Mumsy "Where got country's president like that pass down to the son these days one...". She didn't take long to remind me that that's (almost) exactly what's happening right here. Now.

I just realized how camouflaging individuals in a group changes the way people looks at things.

ps. I like how my Diversity tutorials are making me read and realize things that I've more often than not overlooked in the past; for example, we're not as liberal a place as we would like to think we are and I'm having my first thoughts about privatizing this little space. 

same smile, but different

In the past where my self-esteem used to be the size of a fifty-cent coin, and all I'd wanted was to be accepted by my friends and (now ex) boyfriends, my opinions were always based on what others thought; I would smile and nod in silent agreement with whatever opinions they had about issues that we discussed. It could be about anything; people, places and actions... if my friends said the food at a particular canteen sucks (I hate using this word now and I think people should too once they're over 21), I'll avoid the said canteen as much possible, even though I haven't tried any of the food at that canteen, or even if I've given it a try and thought the food wasn't as bad as they'd made it out to be. I never gave much thought about voicing out whatever opposing views I held, because 1) I didn't want to offend by going against people, 2) I was too lazy to question, and 3) I didn't want to stick out like a sore thumb.

Then, in the not too distant past, I started to become more (so much more) opinionated compared to the past; the one described in the above paragraph. Unlike the more distant past where my friends' views were used by me as a benchmark, I started to value my personal views/opinions about things and would give my take on just about everything. I wasn't as afraid of offending, just the exact opposite; I would go all out just to make sure I get my point across, state countless reasons to validate my point. I was intent on making my friends look at things from my point of view (that must have annoyed the hell out of them), until someone said to me one day: "Different people just have different expectations and beliefs in life, it's not possible to make all of them look your way all the time."

It bugged me for a little while, I just couldn't accept people being so narrow-minded, constantly uptight or emotionally-charged in their thinking and I'd wished that they'd be more reasonable and logical sometimes. Then I realized, I was becoming just like one of these people whom I've just described; yeah right, you are so open-minded but you just can't accept diversity. Nowadays, when I have some slightly opposing views from the others, I shut up and keep them to myself unless it's absolutely necessary to voice them out (quite often still, but much better than before lah; cut me some slack please). It's just so tiring to constantly be engaged in debates (a.k.a. sometimes-mindless-squabbles) with friends over dinner, when I've had a long hard day. I can't be bothered to start or win arguments any more. And besides, sometimes it's just quite amusing to see certain people defend themselves so self-righteously, with their narrow-mindedness/up tightness/emotionally-charged thinking displayed proudly all at once - I'm sure some of you were pretty amused by me at some point in time.

This doesn't make me non-receptive to what my friends say; I still smile mostly at what most people like to say, but these days, I just don't nod my head as vigorously or as much as before.

Out for awhile.

on the way to Sunset Grill for chicken wings on Wednesday; by far the most ulu eating place I've ever drove to.

The first week of school, it's finally over. I've had meet-ups nearly everyday since school started and they've been keeping me really busy. And tired. I need to slow things down.

:(

I regret shouting so loudly while playing games with the primary school clique at the Thai disco last Friday. My throat hurts like a bitch now.

ps. Thai disco was fun though; we learnt a new drinking game!

You can keep them coming.

This should be the first time I'm actually admitting scrawny guys can be cute too. 

I sound like I've been complaining about my awesome dreams but really, I think it'll just be for a short while and I'll get over it soon. In the mean time, keep those dreams coming!

ps. Dear dream architect, if you are reading this, could you please include Gordon Levitt in my dreams and get those two from last night out? Tyvm!

It sucks to be strong

Words of consolation and encouragement are given to the weak when they meet with setbacks whereas the strong get nothing and are expected to just get over bullcrap quickly on their own. At times like that, I can't help but want to shout out really loud "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?!" But of course, I don't (& maybe that's why I feel like doing it all the time).

Sigh.

ps. dear self, I know it sucks to be strong but pleasepleasepleaseplease learn to be so; you cannot always depend on people to pull you out of shitholes because they won't be there all the time.

pps. I digress, but I get super annoyed and make snide remarks whenever the 9pm Ch8 show comes on. IT IS NOT OKAY TO CHEAT/TWO-TIME AND F CHIN STOP BEING SO FAKE ENTHU!

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?!

do you want me to stay or go?

I saw Mumsy's bedroom door open when I got back home after an entire day out (err, close to) with the secondary school peeps, so I invited myself in and plopped myself onto my parents' very, very, very comfortable bed. When the two of us are lying there, bodies and minds in super-relaxed states and eyes half-focusing on whatever's on telly, I will talk to her about some of the usual mindless things that are always going through on my mind; sometimes we'd be talking about how I'm coping at school, other times I'd tell her about my friends, what I think about boys and relationships, or how lucky I think my life is.

Tonight, I've been thinking about how boyfriends and girlfriends are always affecting each other's decisions in life; however minor or major they may be. I will probably not be travelling as much if I had a boyfriend who didn't like me to, so, I asked her if she would rather I be attached (now that I'm still studying) if that would keep me in Singapore for as much possible, or would she rather I be single but am always trying to get out of here. She said she didn't know. So I helped her choose the latter, since I've decided that I'm still young (therefore still eligible for $ loan), have a lot of vacation time to spare and will only turn on the panic 'switch' another 5 years down the road. 

She rolled her eyes at me, like how she always does, and that always makes me angry... for 5 seconds.

I love Mumsy <3