cám ơn

Girls' night out in town with the newly confirmed teachers earlier tonight.

Enjoyed the catching up over our delicious dinner at Izakaya Nijumaru and the tasty desserts at Jones'.

Pictures happily stolen from Jenny's facebook album:

J&J at Jones'

Mat & I (Jones')

acting cute, and caught for it (our apple crumble btw)

Mat (with the chocolate brownie)

Jolb's yummy minty chocolate drink

and I learnt that I'm not really a big fan of macchiatos

:)

Jenny & I (Oriole's)

and Jolb too

I feel really happy for them that they're finally done with school,

but then I started getting slightly jittery for myself about practicum starting soon.

Everyone assured me that things are going to be fine but still...

It'll be fine right?

loss

is a miserable feeling.

The unfairness of life, and the reminder that life goes on are both reinforced at the same time.

I hope the loved ones find strength to tide through this period of sadness, and he shall live on in our hearts, always reminding us of how life should be lived to the fullest.

some bad/weird habits

In the midst of my idling (having mixed feelings about it ending in slightly less than a month's time), I thought up a list of my bad/weird habits that could/might have annoyed you or seemed strange at any particular point in time.

#1 Avoiding people's gaze when I talk to them
I have this really annoying habit of not really looking at people in their eyes when I talk to them although over time, I came to realize that this happens mainly with strangers. And usually only when we're passing each other for a fleeting moment; e.g. when I say "thank you" to the cashier or someone who held the door for me, or "sorry" when I bump into people on the streets. It doesn't mean that I'm any less thankful or sorry for either situation when they happen (though people can't really be bothered with what I say to them), it's just that sometimes, words just come out of my mouth too quickly - way before I can look up at the strangers. These days, I'm making a conscious effort to look up more often before opening my mouth to utter anything.

Oh I have to state that this only applies to strangers.
I'm quite the 'starer' when it comes to conversations with friends because there's so much more time to spare. If you think I'm staring a little too hard and long some day and it's making you uncomfortable, do let me know!

#2 Picking out raw scallions/parsley/coriander from my food

Bad, bad habit that not only wastes my time, but also the time of others who try to help me in picking them out. I'm not known to be a fussy eater (quite the contrary in fact) but if there's something that I do not like having in my food, it's all the above that I've just named. I can't decide what is it that I dislike more; the repulsive and pungent tastes of them and how they linger in my mouth for sometime after accidentally biting into one or their crunchy textures. Or maybe it's a combination of both.

In the formative years, grandma/mum used to tell me that I would be 聰明 (i.e. clever/smart) after I eat my 蔥s (just because 聰 and 蔥 are homophones). Of course I didn't buy it - I couldn't bear the taste of their icky juices oozing onto my taste buds whenever my jaws crunched into one as a result of my negligence. I would retch and hurry to the bin to empty the contents in my mouth. Every single time.

These days, I don't try not to retch that much anymore. Instead, I think "oh shit!" in my head when I have to chew on a big juicy piece of those icky things. Yuck!

#3 Hiding under the blanket with one leg exposed
It feels too warm if I go completely under my blankie (head out though), and too cold if I expose too much of myself so this is the best option that I've discovered for myself.

People just don't understand this :(

#4 "Really meh?"
There are a few phrases that I always use in conversations out of (bad) habit; and I've probably pissed a lot of people with them. "Really meh?" is one of them. YF feedbacked that there's some sort of a condescending-sarcastic-unbelieving-accusing tone to my "really mehs", and it gets him angry and defensive all the time when I use it on him. For the record, there's no sarcasm intended; only a hell lot of surprise and a teeny bit of skepticism. Most of the time anyway.

#5 "Huh you never ______ (verb) ______ (noun) before?"
Another something that I would utter before I can stop myself. Again, it's more of surprise than anything else, though it usually comes across as condescending.



And that should be about it for some of the my more annoying observable habits; trying to kick them away by becoming more self aware (first). Will update this very short list when the time comes!

inside my messy wardrobe

While trying to organize my wardrobe last night, I noticed an accumulation of clothes that I've not been wearing for the past god-knows-how-long. It's so messy in there with the worn/unworn clothes that I felt ashamed of myself for allowing that clutter to happen.

So, I started separating the folded clothes into different stacks and here are some appropriate headings that popped up in my mind as I was busy categorizing them:

1) Tiny tops: Singlets/Tanks

2) Big tops: T-shirts

3) Gai gai shorts

4) Sleep shorts

5) Running shorts

6) Towels

7) Ironables 

8) Clothes that I just don't like wearing anymore

9) Clothes that are so ancient that I don't even remember owning them

10) Clothes that should never see the light of day again a.k.a. clothes that I can't believe I once wore 

Categories 8 - 10 are lying in a corner of my little wardrobe now; still deciding if I should give all of it away. And in case you thought that I omitted my undies and bikinis on purpose, no lah, I just happen to keep them elsewhere because there's too many of them and simply not enough space in the wardrobe. Tee hee.

pity

"If you let it go, it’s not meant to be."

These words continue to ring in my head after Siao shared them with me during our TP days. In fact, they’ve been ringing more loudly than before as of late.

It’s not often in life that you come across people (not for me anyway) whom you get along with such perfect congeniality; similar dispositions towards life, tastes in hobbies, and even mutual attitudes. It's always with great pleasure that I welcome such people into my life.

I can't remember the last time I felt this way (close friends will attest otherwise) about anyone; mainly the sheer excitement displayed on my face and in my speech at mere possibilities of things that could/might be. But then again, I am reminded that many things can get me excited quite easily. 

Things don't always turn out the way we would like them to in life; we can envision things to be as beautiful as we want them to be in our minds but fairytales are not called fantasies for nothing. I used to scoff at those who'd say things like "too bad we didn't meet at the right time/place" when they meet people they really like because it seemed to me that they weren't taking enough initiative. A large part of it probably still holds true, but I learnt now to see that desires and states of mind do in fact affect the 'rightness' of situations.
I hope that doesn't sound like I'm making excuses for myself.

And the pity in the title?
That'd refer to the untimeliness of things and mismatch of wants at the moment.

It'd be helpful to remind myself that nothing really needs to come out of this at the end, just becoming slightly more aware of emotions that I'm capable of feeling is not such a bad thing after all.

And yes, don't be afraid of letting go too!

mothers' day

 In the short history of mothers’ days that I’ve celebrated/missed, the one that’s just passed a couple of days ago left me feeling really horrible by the time the day was over. I dreaded coming home and I locked myself in my room the moment I got back. I suppose it should be considered a missed one, since there really wasn’t any celebration, so to speak.

At age close-to-24, I’m not proud at all to be announcing that I got into a fight with my mum. I thought this is supposed to be the period in my life where I can start talking to her about everything under the sun – e.g. grown up issues, where daughters and mothers start spending more time together to bond.

Apparently, I thought wrong.

People oftentimes have the impression that I’m best pals with my mum, I’m not. On occasions where it seemed to be the case, let me tell you now that I tried very hard to make things resemble that. Each time I tried to narrow the gap between us, I would be met with much resistance/reluctance (can’t differentiate the 2 when it comes to my mum) before eventual relentance. Through my daily interaction with her over the years, I also came to the conclusion that my opinions don’t really matter very much to her and this has resulted in me craving for acknowledgment from others outside (I curb to display this openly though).

I tried to reflect on why things turned out this way.

Maybe it’s an Asian mum thing; our conservative society’s made her out to be uncomfortable in displaying affection as openly as I’d like her to. Or it could be an age/generation difference thing; I’m quite sure she didn’t try as hard as me to come closer to grandma when she was younger (not that grandma would have the time for her, she had 9 children in all) so she’s probably not very used to the idea of mother-daughter bonding. Am I expecting too much from her by hoping that she’d someday realize I could do with more motherly love? Or maybe, just maybe, we’ve been taking each other for granted despite the countless times I’ve told myself to always be thankful for all that I’ve been given in my life.

Of course, I know not if it’s one, a combination or none of the reasons provided above that’s led to the state of things today. The only certain thing I know for a fact is that I will forever be indebted to my mum, no matter how terrible or frosty things eventually turn out to be. I used to shed tears wishing we were closer after seeing how intimate cousins or friends were with their mothers, but after the most recent episode, I’m going to stop wishing for that to happen. It takes 2 hands to clap, maybe we are just not cut out for such intimacy.

Things are still pretty frosty at the moment; we’ve been avoiding each other like the plague at home and not more than 5 sentences have been spoken between the 2 of us since last Friday (she mentioned that I really shouldn’t speak to her anymore in her fit of anger and I’m taking it very seriously).

I feel sad thinking about how great things should/could’ve been many a time, but to be frank, I know it’s really not much of a real problem; at least not after watching a heart-wrenching video on some young cancer victims some nights back. There are definitely things more worthy of your time and attention than reading about me whining about how unloved I'm feeling. 

So, no more moping – I’ll start by focusing on the positive things in life and how to make both others and myself happier.

Is this the part where things start going downhill?

#6 A stranger

A guy who walked up to the edge of the big pipe in front of PA last Sunday.

Bespectacled, he was in a white t-shirt and bermudas and looked like he was in his mid 30s. 

After fumbling my way out of the bay, I turned my head to the pipe and saw him standing, looking out. He caught my passing glance and shot me a wide grin. 

Don't think I saw him after that.

夠陌生吧.

#19 Someone that pesters your mind - good or bad

Mumsy.

When things are going well, thoughts about her can make me really happy. 

When things are not going so well, I often tear up just thinking about how things could've been.

I've been trying to talk to her recently, but each time she pushes me away. 

Little by little, she's been doing that till I am now sick and tired of her turning away. 

It's disappointing, and I guess I'll just stop doing it so much from now on. 

a day in the life of a storm surfer (wannabe)

That must have been one of the scariest things I've done in a long, long while; trying to surf in a storm much earlier today.

It wasn't too bad until a gust hit and I had to drop my sail after getting overpowered and losing my balance. After seeing a few bright streaks of lightning across the sky, hitting land was the only thought in my mind. And so, I tried hard to uphaul, frantically like some crazy woman, though it was one futile attempt too many.

With the wind beating so furiously on it, I soon realized that there was simply no chance getting my bloody heavy sail out of the water. With that, I stopped trying and looked up at the dark patch of clouds that was hovering closely above us. It was a massive patch of grey, or put more accurately, many great patches put together. In the not so far-off distances, I could see rain falling from the clouds where the cargo ships were, as well as Lagoon and even further upfront. They always look the same (i.e. observing rain from a distance), long wispy trails leaving clouds and bending back and forth at the mercy of the winds. The surface of the sea around looked at least 5 times rougher than usual as the storm made its way through it, and it was slightly more choppy than what I'm describing now.

Cold droplets pelting angrily against me, I stood as still as I could and looked at the turbulent scene in front of me. It was so dark and gloomy, and yet so beautiful. However insignificant it may have compared against other greater-known wonders, I was still in awe of yet this wonderful creation of mother nature.

As I stood admiring the scene, thoughts of getting struck by lightning creeped into my mind slowly. There're stories of sailors/surfers who were struck before, some of them ended up dead, others paralyzed. As a not-so-firm believer of karma, I started recalling all of the 'misdeeds' that I've thus far committed in my life, and tried to 'rationalize' if any of them was bad enough to warrant me death by a lightning strike.

Guess I just haven't been bad enough.

After waiting it out for a little while longer, the wind died a little and I managed to get my sail out of the water. Headed back to the nearest shore in the shortest possible time that I could manage and hauled my equipment back to the usual bay.

Phew to the scary experience.

We had a second round of barbecue (with last night's leftovers) after everyone else had a fill of the storm. In the cold, it felt really nice to stand beside the charcoal pit. And of course, even nicer to sink my teeth into a piping hot wing.

Life is good.

hairrrrr

Last few pictures of me with straight hair:

cuzzie's place in Penang

And wavy from now onwards baby!

on the way to HK

kh's

Straight or wavy, I love my hair very muchie!