Ambition, or lack thereof.

If you know me long enough, you should already be aware by now that I'm not exactly the most ambitious person around. By ambitious, I really mean someone who aims higher than the average Joe (just a name with no respect to any person in particular, please don't take it out of context), be it on the corporate ladder, or in the academic field, etc. And I suppose people will probably think that I'm too laid-back for my own good. But that's okay, because I am perfectly alright with being just average in most aspects of my life; I simply have no desire to be the best (& since I do not see it as a problem, you should not too). Doing well (even though it's mostly nice), comes as a bonus (and is not a must for me); it is a well-deserved reward for all the effort that you've put into whatever you're doing.

If you'd asked me what my ambitions were 15 years ago (when I was still a naive little girl, still am, just not so little now), I'd have answered with some really lofty answers that would have made any parent proud. In the most random order, I'd wanted to be a lawyer (when I was 11), an astronaut (7), doctor (8), a psychologist (12), a marine biologist (15, but dreams crushed when I wasn't able to do Bio in upper secondary).

All of that loftiness was way before I realized that I should start getting real; with the education system and the society constantly telling me "Nope, you are just not good enough", or "Nope, we don't think you're cut out for this". This realization emerged during the upper-secondary years, and went through the most intensive development when I was in polytechnic.

And so, all my lofty aspirations disappeared slowly, but surely. And in between the time of disappearance, I started to get obsessed with many distractions in life; e.g. travelling, gadgets, fashion. I no longer wanted to be a lawyer, astronaut, doctor or psychologist (with the exception of marine biologist okay); no more high-flying, noble-sounding career ambitions, my new focus was to make money so that I could achieve all my wants. And that I did; I part-time worked my ass off while I was still in poly; held on to 2 jobs at a time and often went to classes weary. Looking back, I don't really understand how I managed to juggle my studies with all that part-time work, (mostly) regular CCA trainings, outings with friends, and boyfriends even!

Digressing, I definitely wouldn't be able to do that now (and that's why I'm only tutoring and am boyfriend-less. Yeah right, I can almost hear you say).

Anyway, I totally lost idea of what I wanted to do with my life after polytechnic amid all that part-time working; I didn't even have time to think about that. And somehow, I stumbled upon the path where I'm on right now. I really have no idea if it's what I want to stick to for the rest of my life, but I'm happy with the way things have turned out for me, for now, and I'm really hoping that I will still be happy a few years down the road, looking at where I will be then.

I've kinda given up on ambitions, because I think that it's so not going to work for me any longer. While life has become much less of a flurry now in university, with more time to self-reflect and think, I came to understand that I'm not much of the go-getter; more like the getter-by. All that I (really) want right now, will be to just live life and enjoy the most that I can get out of it. I just want to make enough money so that I can travel to all the places that I've dreamed of going, eat all the food that I've wanted to try, and love everyone back in the same way that they would love me (with reference to monetary-related means) and enjoy what the world has to offer to me.

I think Mumsy will be so disappointed to read this; to find out that I'm not a go-getter but instead, am merely aiming for somewhere really low in life. Don't tell her, okay?

Just re-read the last paragraph, and hor, I think I'm not that unmotivated after all; my motivation is just fueled by passion instead of ambition.

If you've come to the end without passing any judgments on me, thank you very much.

Friday before CNY.

white eye rings, hen chou!

We did Zouk on the Friday just before CNY. What a bad idea it was; Phuture was so packed that (I'm not kidding when I say) we only had enough dancing space for our fingers. Anyhow, it also happened to be Kadence's 24th when the clock struck twelve. I hope she's coming back from Amsterdam soon; can't wait to see her soon!

ps. Just got off the phone with Mumsy. She's trying her best to dissuade me from heading to London before my cousin's done with her exams, and I'm trying my best to assure her I won't get in the way (of course I've not told her that I'll be getting around on my own yet!).

Holiyear 2010

As of now...

Jan

.

Feb

.

Mar

.

Apr (Malaysia)

- P. Tioman/P. Dayang/P. Redang/Perhentian Islands

.

May (Malaysia, U.K, Europe)

4th - 11th Penang

20th - 31st London

.

Jun (U.K, Europe, Thailand)

1st - 20th London

26th - 29th Bangkok

.

Jul

- Practicum, damn!

.

Aug

11th - 24th Phuket (Thailand)

.

Sep

.

Oct

.

Nov

.

Dec

- Bali, Lombok

- Sumatra (Lake Toba)

- Taiwan

- Nepal/India

I'll be away most of May, June and August during the 4-month break; Mumsy showed her displeasure about it when I told her the number of places I'll be going to. Places with dates are confirmed with tickets booked (with the exception of London), and places without dates beside them are still tentative. I'd really love to be away in July as well, since air-ticket prices are bound to be low, but I'll need to be in my practicum school for observation. What a waste!

Anyhow, I'm really hoping that I'll be able to do a dive trip in April or May in Malaysia, and re-visit Bali and Lombok at the end of the year. November would be very much preferred since December will be the peak period and prices are bound to skyrocket, but I don't think holidays will start until December because the school term has been pushed back due to the Youth Olympic Games and the end-year holidays will be shortened by quite a bit. If not Bali&Lombok, I guess Lake Toba will be a good alternative. If not Indonesia, heading to Taiwan with the family doesn't sound too bad either.

And if all that I've just mentioned is not possible, then I guess some voluntary work in India or Nepal will be really cool too! Actually, I've been thinking of doing that for a long time.

I do have a lot of travel back-up plans, don't you think?

friends

Depth of friendship does not depend on length of acquaintance.

-Rabindranath Tagore

Today, I learnt that there are two kinds of friends, or so-called friends that everyone can have. In KFC, no less.

One, people who you are not really close to, but are always asking for favours from you and have nothing to offer in return.

Two, people that you are closer to and mutual favours are asked instead of it being a one-sided thing.

I realized that I've got a lot of both One and Two friends; the Ones always being the Ones, and Twos always being the Twos.

I realized that I've been both a One and Two at different points in time; and it's usually One to one particular group of friends, and Two for another.

Quite importantly (I think), I've also realized that it's nearly impossible for anyone to be a perfect Two all the time.

chew on it - what can you offer?

via

Think about what you can offer to others before opening your mouth to make demands out of people or things.

Is it money? Advice? Companionship? Sex? Or something else?

When you start thinking that way, you realize your own limitations, and that will gradually lead you to stop making unreasonable demands out of others. Either that, or you strive to overcome the limitations before making the demands a second time.

You do not demand when you have nothing to offer.

Geddit?

Time erases.

Goodbye memories, tears, joy and laughter.

It's time to move on now.

I ♥ Amazon.com

Thank goodness these are about the only online shopping I do, can't imagine how broke I will be if I start mass shopping online for clothes & other stuff. My garbage lens (super bad reviews) will arrive in 3 weeks, let's count down! Excited!

ps. camera experts pleasepleaseplease don't berate me for my purchases if you think they're crap; they're really just for fun and nothing serious!

What I learnt on 初一

While we were cooing and ahh-ing about how quickly my cousin's 1 year old learnt to move about on her feet;

Mumsy told me I first learnt to move around on my bum, you know. She had no idea how, but I managed to get around the house that way really quickly. I sound like the weirdest baby around back then.

something like that

But after watching videos as the one above, I don't feel that alone anymore. I'm not the only bum-scooter/butt-crawler around.

Bad-Cramps-Day

I thought it'd be a damned good day to do some revision since I haven't done any from the start of the 'long' CNY break, and it would probably have been a damned good day to revise IF I hadn't experience my worst cramp in months today. I spent half the time puking, visiting the loo, and the other half pressing the hot-water bottle and rubbing medicated oil to my tummy in bed. I hate cramps.

It was about 7 p.m. by the time I was finally okay and awake; after which I had to head down to Cathay to meet the primary school clique for B&Js.

Got back home an hour and a half later, and played mahjong with Mumsy, Dad & YF. During which, Dad saw my tattoo. All these while, I've been trying to hide it from them, Mum especially, since she was more likely to have spotted it, coming to my room early morn and stuff like such. Who knew Dad turned out to be the one to have discovered it first. I think he'll probably give me a scolding when CNY's over, but right now, the cat's finally out of the bag, and I'm feeling liberated!

大年初二

Every lunar new year, my paternal relatives and us will gather at my grandma's place on 初一, to exchange new year greetings, red packets, mandarin oranges and 'help out' with clearing of new year goodies. And in between all that chomping on mixed nuts and pineapple tarts, some of us will start playing Blackjack, some will be watching T.V. and the rest will probably be fussing over the youngest one in the family.

On the second day of Chinese New Year, we meet up (again) with the same paternal relatives at Grandma's place, and once everyone's present, we will set off for the houses of all the relatives who are present to '拜年' again, and of course, to clear all the CNY goodies in their homes. I've been thinking that, perhaps next time round, I can spend the time visiting friends, or other relatives that I've yet to visit instead of heading to the homes of the relatives whom I've just spent nearly an entire day with. Is it just me and my family who has this practice, or do you guys actually do the same thing back home?

Most of the extended family; taken at my 大伯's Tanjong Rhu condo.

If you're thinking why I haven't talked about visiting my maternal relatives, I usually don't because about 85% of them are in Penang. I stopped CNY visits to Penang when I was in primary school; & I really miss CNYs in Penang, because you get to set off fire-crackers and those were the highlights of my Penang CNYs back then.

Mums and I were wearing dresses in the same shade of navy green.

Anyhow, YF did most of the driving today and I am so glad that I can finally NOT be driving all the time. There were times where he gave us slight frights but mostly, he's safe. Like me usually, but not today. I got really tired and annoyed by the end of the day with my dried-up contact lens and it affected my visibility on the expressway; I made a few careless lane-cuts and over-takings, and I think I gave my family quite a few bad scares there too.

It was never that apparent to me in the past, but this year, I find myself observing how long-winded and auntie-like my aunties (and Mumsy too) can get. Not only that, I also find myself worrying that I'd end up long-winded and auntie-like like them a few years down the road. The thought of me turning into people like them scares me, and it totally makes me wish that I can be forever 21!

First round of questions, and more to come?

It's started! I think I'm going to experience the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th... and many more rounds of questioning from my aunties and uncles for as long as I am single.

Goodness; that's going to take away half the fun of CNY (yes, I actually enjoy CNY).

Weekend + School

Watched a musical where our dear Robin starred as the male lead. It was a nice and light-hearted show, and possibly the second musical that I've watched in my 21-odd years, with the first being Forbidden City. I couldn't help but almost choke on my own laughter when we first saw him saunter onto stage; I think I was just not used to seeing him so serious and all.

School's great as usual!

The few of us are always up to some kind of mischief or other. Like staying behind in the lecture theatre after lectures to take funny pictures like this. Or coming up with weird, but funny signs that might have the possibility of being acculturated in school someday.

Thank you girls for making school fun!

First Lo Hei of the lunar new year

Met up with KTOWY peeps at Pearl River Palace (Suntec City) last night for our annual reunion dinner. I was really happy to catch up with everyone, and this must've been the first time where EVERYONE's present. ZZ's back from Ontario, Limin's not off flying, and even Cheng Xuan made it down.

all of us, minus ZZ cos she had to run.

It's been like, close to 10 years that we'd first met in CCHS. We've all grown up so damned much, that we're now talking about buying 4D and Toto instead of where to head to for bowling or pool sessions after classes. I wonder what we'll be talking about another 10 years down the road; careers, children maybe?

Anyway, I'm really looking forward to CNY this year. Mum just called to tell me YF's passed his driving practical; so he can get to do all the driving for the house-visits while I can take a rest! Was totally not in the mood for any tutorial discussion during Ludwig's tutorial today; not to mention that I've embarrassed myself not once, but twice, in his presence. Bah.

Huat ah!

Shitty Friday but life goes on.

Today's been the worst day of the week, month and possibly year even; I cried and sobbed really badly because of some really silly issues (who's the silly one now?). But, life goes on, and this, hopefully also will mean that things can't possibly get any worse. Right?

Just some random updates of the week now. School's been great in general; I had Sakae with Aud, Xuanie and Rong for lunch some few days back and we made quite a din when all of us were laughing at the colour-swapped pictures we took.

aud.xuanie; with chio pink hair.

tanned and fair; big, big contrast.

Lectures and tutorials have been great mainly because I've been hanging about with them girls so much this semester. Thank you all for saving seats for me during lectures, putting up with my not-so-funny jokes and printing lecture notes for me. Really appreciate everything a lot!

That apart, after dinner with Jol-B last night, I bought 3 pairs of new shoes for Chinese New Year (and school) and I'm really happy with them! Got a pair of heels from c&k, loafers from Mondo to replace the pair that I've just thrown away, and a pair of white & brown sandals (from Mondo as well).

my 'fake' loafers.

this design has been around for the longest time, but I think they're comfy and good to stay anyway.

my初一heels. fits snugly, and I'm praying that they won't take forever to break in.

That's all for my shoe-buys for now; no more shoes for me for the time-being. I hope they'll all last me for a long time to come; can't imagine myself buying anymore shoes for now until... maybe Bangkok hopefully? :x

Got started on this book 2 days ago while I was waiting for our sponsor to arrive at the warehouse in ulu Changi. So far, it's been a really good and compelling read. I'm feeling much more overwhelmed as I read this, compared to when I read The Kite Runner; I guess the reason for that might be due to the author's realistic depiction of the undeserving treatment that women in places like Afghanistan receive due to the unequal status-quo in their homelands. I know I've been brought up in a totally different manner from the characters in the story, but, I really do feel for the female characters in the book (so far). Words cannot describe how thankful I am for not being subjected to such unequal & harsh treatment, for being born into a vastly different environment compared to theirs.

To end this post with, here's what I wore some days back:

I'm trying to work the 淑女 look this semester, and I think this works pretty well, don't you think? Haha. Okay, I was totally kidding about the 淑女 part, but I do want to stop dressing like a slop to classes this semester, and hopefully, from now onwards. So, I will stop wearing denim shorts and singlets to lessons (as much as possible). Besides, it's really quite fun to dress up!

ps. Jenny, don't worry the sandals are totally new; I haven't wore them out of our room yet. I never dirty the room yet, and I've been a good girl while you were gone.

pps. meaning, I never bring boys home!

Breaking away.

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish, take a chance
Make a change, and breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I loved
I'll take a risk, Take a chance
Make a change, and breakaway

picture from set here

I'm nowhere near a Kelly Clarkson fan, and I wouldn't even have taken such a close look at the lyrics if I'd not been learning the guitar chords for the song together with G. But the more I play, the more I realize how much the song's been reminding me that I've been trying to break away for as long as I can remember. I've tried to break away from my parents by insisting that I should stay in hall, away from the usual mindsets that most other Singapore citizen would have, and away from some really nasty memories that'd been making me hold back not too long ago. Can't say I'm sure of what so much of my breakaways are for; maybe I just need to be alone sometimes, maybe I just don't want to conform to the possibility of a mundane future just like what the random person on the street is experiencing, or maybe I just cannot stand myself remembering really unpleasant events that had to happen to me.

I don't understand why not conforming is considered to be rebellious and it's got me into trouble with my parents countless times, and some social situations I became involved with. People probably disagree with my viewpoints most of the time, but they're just too nice to spell it out clearly to me.

ps. I'm becoming more of a cynic; post-dinner, someone gave me a compliment. I just couldn't accept it, shrugged it off and behaved most awkwardly afterward. Cynic... or maybe just a social retard.

Do not disturb.

It's going to be a super busy week; with ITWC coming up this weekend and so many last-minute touch-ups. Headed down to Beach Road to get the air-horns (I hope they work well!) today with Xuanie, rushed to pick Mumsy up, and then rushed off for dinner at the steamboat place. Yet to do readings for the week and I'm driving me crazy, especially at moments like this where I'm blogging instead of revising. I'm sure everyone's looking forward to the end of the week right now!