#3 My parents

Today's entry will start with a confession about something that I'm not extremely proud of - it makes me sick with shame now whenever I think about it and you'll probably hate me when you're done reading. Once upon a time, I used to write 'hate entries' in my diary dedicated to my parents, Mumsy in particular because I thought that she was always picking on me and that she loved my brother much more than she loved me. I remember how these silly entries would always be about how selfish they were for not listening to what I had to say, them ignoring my repeated pleas to learn to play the guitar/violin because they will be a distraction to my studies, how they are always putting me down in front of our relatives, how they'll always shift whatever blame onto me first instead of anybody else whenever shit happens, how they're placing excessive emphasis on my studies, how they're not respecting my privacy by looking at my letters and the list goes on. Sounds really bad, doesn't it? I was such an ungrateful little bitch during the time I went through puberty, and it'd probably lasted all the way from when I was 11, till 15.

I never gave them enough credit for all the love that they've showered on me (though they almost never show or say it explicitly) but I constantly picked on whatever rule or restriction they had for me that pissed me off, compared them to my friends' parents who always ready to give in to most, if not all of their whims and demands and even said nasty things to them in their faces in my moments of fiery pique when I should really be thanking them instead for bringing me into this world, for providing me a wonderful sibling, food and shelter, for safeguarding me from dangers that lurk beyond the social boundaries of a 12 year-old girl.

But I didn't. Because I was such a selfish little girl who couldn't see anything else beyond myself, that the world doesn't revolve around me and me alone; though I wasn't really blind to how hard my parents were slogging to give YF and me a comfortable life (digressing, my Dad's a sea-farer and he'd be away for months at a time and Mumsy's a wool/yarn merchandiser at an uncle's company), I (actually had the cheek to) think that it is only right that parents should provide the best and only the best for their children; that is a given and cannot be argued upon, and I picked on every bone I could find on their upbringing of YF and me - food's never tasty enough, our clothes looked awful, toys were never fancy, don't give enough encouragement, blah blah blah. I never saw their strict demands on my education as them wanting the best for me, but I saw them as being unreasonable and not understanding enough.

I said the nastiest things to just about them and everything that they've given me, but they NEVER once uttered a word of complaint for bringing YF and me into this world. For all the heartless things I used to write about her, Mumsy never once complained (not to me anyway) about how tough it was for her to have carried me in her womb for 9 freaking months or how sad she must have been to give birth to her firstborn when her husband wasn't in Singapore.

I'd like to think of all the selfishness that I've described above as a passing phase of my life, or for anyone else's for that matter (to make myself feel a lot better for being such a horrible kid in the past) and I'd also like to think that I'm well past that phase now. However, I know whichever way I'd like to think of the past will do nothing to erase or even ease any of the heartache that my parents must have gone through while I was growing up, and I cannot do anything to change this. For that, I regret and hate myself for my immature selfishness. Try as I might, I may not even be able to repay them a tenth of what they've given to me all these years. I can only wish that both my parents will not bear any grudges towards me, and will accept all the love that I have for them from this moment on.

Over the years, I came to realize and accept that most Asian parents (the older ones mainly) are never really good at expressing their love and pride towards their children explicitly; it's not that my parents don't love us, it's just that they don't mollycoddle. Mahjong chatter aside, it's just not considered polite to talk about your child's achievements, especially when your own sons/daughters are doing much better than your relatives'. Once, while I was driving, I teased Mumsy, in a good-mannered way of course; about how her past constant putting down of me in front of other adults came to have a negative impact on my self-esteem. She did look rather guilt-stricken after I told her this, but it only lasted for all of 1 minute. And then she slapped me playfully on my arm for making her feel bad.

Anyway, just in case you were wondering how are we getting along these days, Mumsy is one of my best pals now; we're on such good terms that I even started calling her by her name (YF started this!) even though it pissed her off a little initially haha. And coming to HK for exchange has made me even closer to her, I talk to her nearly everyday on Skype - sometime last week, she expressed heartache for me when I told her about the occasional pangs of loneliness that I'd experienced now that I'm in a foreign place with few friends and that made me tear :,( I'm really glad with the way things are currently, and I hope they stay this way forever (digressing again, I will never use the word forever with boyfriends but I think it's perfectly alright to use them to describe situations with parents).

I love you, Mumsy and Dad!

I'm sorry for making you read my sob-story, but I feel so much better now after getting this off my chest. And all of you who bothered to read till the end, please go and show your Mums and Dads some love. NOW.