Before I start rambling about how my ex-boyfriends have 'mistreated' me in the past and what I remember about our past relationships, please note that whatever I'm saying now only represents one side of the story - it is not the whole truth, but a rather biased account of things.
One cannot forget the type of bitter or sad feelings that s/he feels post break-ups. And not too long after the break-ups, almost instinctively, you will ponder upon the stupidest of thoughts like, "Will s/he change his/her mind about breaking up?" or "I wonder if s/he has a new boy/girlfriend now..." or "Does he still think of me?" or "I wonder what his/her new boy/girlfriend is like" [you're likely to have been the one who was ditched if you've had these thoughts] or "Is s/he managing well without me?" [you probably ditched your partner if you're thinking this] and the list goes on (you probably have a better list than me). I'm guilty of all the stupid thoughts that I've mentioned above, and more.
Exes are called exes obviously because things went wrong somewhere or people simply changed somewhere along the way. I'm not going to even try pushing the blame onto my ex-boyfriends here because it always takes two hands to clap. And if anyone was to be blamed for my past break-ups, then I would gladly accept all the blame because there's no excuse at all for me for being childish, and worse, stupid together all at the same time a few years ago.
Barney - Nothing else to say about him because I've said all that I want to say about him here. I'm very glad we don't have anything else to do with each another anymore thankyouverymuch.
DJ - We met on a sailing expedition when I was in the first year of poly; I was a student participant and he was working as the first mate of the schooner that we set sail on. We started off with him being like a 'big brother', someone whom I looked up to for having the loftiest of ambitions (for good causes, to his defense), and for providing me guidance or encouragment in my studies sometimes when I needed it. I never expected that we would get together someday, because all along, I thought he had a thing for my other friend from the expedition and that he was only talking to me so often because he wanted to find out more about her; I maintained a strictly platonic relationship with him until the day we got together. I didn't get together with him because I really liked him (not more than a brother anyway); honestly speaking, it was more like 1) I didn't know how to reject someone, and 2) I (was totally deluded) and felt a false sense of 'flattery' in knowing that someone 6 years older would actually fall for a stupid 17-year old me.
Due to our great age gap (the same 6-year difference appears much greater when you're 17 compared to when you're 23, doesn't it?), I probably tried too hard to come across as much more mature than I actually was, in terms of mannerisms, that is. I shall spare you the intimate/mushy/gross/embarrassing details of our very brief relationship (that lasted all of a year), but I think he exerted a pretty positive influence over me - some examples in the following. During our time together and even after, I learnt to think of and for others rather than just myself more, at least much more than I used to, because he was always going on about one big cause or another out there. I stopped walking like a slob; never did drag my feet again whenever I could help it after being 'told off' by him once. Astronomically, I learnt to identify the Orion's belt, and that the brightest object in the night sky is Venus. Most importantly, I used to be one hell of a kan cheong spider whenever things went wrong, be it at school, with friends or at home, but I stopped panicking so crazily eventually due to his influence. He always seemed so surefooted and calm, in spite of whatever rubbish life threw in his way. I remember hearing him say "When you're already in knee-deep shit, struggling will only get you deeper into it"; that really stuck with me for a long time - 5 years have since passed but I still remember it today.
We spent many happy evenings with his very friendly folks in their Bukit Batok condo, had a few nice afternoons making boat trips where he tried to (hopelessly) teach me more about the basics of boating but I guess there's always an end to good things in life. We didn't have too much drama throughout the course of our relationship; a few unhappy arguments (mostly initiated by me because I was childish and possessive lah) snowballed into something much bigger and eventually, he probably realized that he's just not that into me so I wrote him a letter to bid him goodbye, dropped off everything that he's once given me back at his place and had no more to do with one another after that afternoon.
I heard he's happily married now, and that truly made me scoff when I first heard about it because I was thinking "How is he going to help the poor children in Africa now that he has a wife? All the things guys say to impress girls... seriously."
Doug - I met Doug on the same sailing expedition that I met DJ. He was there for me during the lowest points in my life with DJ; never failing to offer me his shoulders for a good, hard cry whenever I needed it, and so, it probably wasn't too unexpected when we finally got together one month after my break-up with DJ. Unlike with the previous boyfriend where I felt like I was acting way beyond my age and pretending to be something I'm not whenever we were together, I was pretty much in my own skin during my time with Doug. Since we were both going to school at Temasek Polytechnic at that time, we hung out pretty often and too much of something's never good, as you alreaady know.
But anyway, there was a lot that we had in common; tastes in food (especially), hobbies, etc - so much in fact that people often commented that we looked like brother and sister instead of a couple, but still a great couple, nonetheless. My favourite memories with Doug revolve mainly around food and travel-related adventures; we were often on the hunt for some 'famous' local or international delicacies despite our very tight budgets, and when we finally tracked them down, we would go on to wax lyrical about how heavenly they tasted (which they really did lah). We ate so much that both of us put on terrible amounts of kilos; it was really quite bad, but we continued to eat, and eat, and eat.
I first travelled overseas without my parents with Doug too. We slogged really hard to make our travel plans possible; looking back, I think I was quite amazing for being able to handle 2 part-time jobs, school work, family, friends and a boyfriend all at a go and not failing my assessments. Our very first destination was none other than... Bangkok! I still remember him saying that was the first plane ride of his life while we were still at the airport, our very first delicious pork burgers from McDonalds', the crazy taxi rides, and late-night beers with a live band playing in the background. After Bangkok, we visited Phuket for our little 'graduation trip' and had another grand time there; we had shrimp burgers this time round, some awesome rounds of snorkelling at the Phi Phi islands, amazing carbonara from a little Italian restaurant on Phi Phi, amazing mango shakes, scooter adventure to the oceanarium and too many more to be listed in this short entry.
They were amazing, and these memories were probably what first got me so enthusiastic about travelling.
Anyway, I got too dependent on having him in my life - to unhealthy levels where I wasn't giving him enough space and planned my life around him, I guess. I was such a possessive person (it didn't help that he seemed to be so popular with girls) when it boiled down to matters about him; I got jealous easily but would maintain that "everything's fine" and I think that pissed him off majorly each time. He liked to hit the clubs with his friends and I hated it whenever he refused to bring me along; you can guarantee that arguments will ensue almost immediately whenever that happens. It's really silly, looking back now, how our arguments will always be the same main ideas.
We parted ways few months after I entered university, about two weeks after he entered national service. There was no big fight (boring, right), instead, my feelings for him just sort of 'died down' and I suddenly felt like there was so much that I wanted to do in life but would be easier if I were alone rather than part of a couple. I had forgotten what it feels like to be single after such a long time and I realized I actually missed that feeling, so, on the night when he had his first book-out from camp and took us out for a nice two-year anniversary celebration dinner, I broke his heart.
I will always feel guilty about it, for my selfishness and for leaving him on his own when he most needed support from his loved ones (two weeks into bmt leh) and I've even thought about whether or not I should have waited two years (after he's finally done with NS) to initiate the break up - of course, friends have told me not to be silly and that I wouldn't be considered as being truthful or honest in our relationship if I were to do that.
We keep in occasional contact these days; off and online, and sometimes we meet for drinks or meals too. But of course, everything's strictly platonic now. I think Doug's a really forgiving person, because I will never want to keep in contact with someone who broke my heart so hard, but he does, and he still wouldn't mind hearing me rant about life even though we're no longer a couple now. I feel really fortunate to have him as a friend now, and I hope he feels the same way too.
Anyhow, it's been a super long entry about bits and pieces of my past. Before you leave the page, please remember once again that everything you have read today is solely from my point of view and may not be representative of the entire truth ;) I am indeed very thankful and glad to have had the opportunities to be loved at least once by the people I've just talked about (with the exception of my bitter first love, that is); we may not have the fortunes of sharing great happy endings but nonetheless, I am still thankful for the invaluable lessons in life that they have given to me, whether they meant them or not. The most important thing that I learnt from my previous relationships is to live my life for myself - I am happy because I am happy (and not because my boyfriend is happy), and I should think and make decisions based on what I want or like, and not because my boyfriend (or anybody else for that matter) thinks it's good/bad. Other than that, I also learnt to love myself more, tell myself that it's okay to be selfish in life sometimes as long as you don't harm anyone in doing so, understand that some negative feelings in people can be avoided by not saying or doing mean things to them, appreciate my loved ones much more. I would like to think that I will make a much better girlfriend now than what I once was, but that's really hard to say, since I don't have one to confirm that now, maybe my next boyfriend might be able to confirm that. :p
From the way I'm made things out to be, it sure sounds like I am already a much better person (if not girlfriend) compared to the past, doesn't it? What do you think?
ps. and just to clarify, I'm single and happy now!
But anyway, there was a lot that we had in common; tastes in food (especially), hobbies, etc - so much in fact that people often commented that we looked like brother and sister instead of a couple, but still a great couple, nonetheless. My favourite memories with Doug revolve mainly around food and travel-related adventures; we were often on the hunt for some 'famous' local or international delicacies despite our very tight budgets, and when we finally tracked them down, we would go on to wax lyrical about how heavenly they tasted (which they really did lah). We ate so much that both of us put on terrible amounts of kilos; it was really quite bad, but we continued to eat, and eat, and eat.
I first travelled overseas without my parents with Doug too. We slogged really hard to make our travel plans possible; looking back, I think I was quite amazing for being able to handle 2 part-time jobs, school work, family, friends and a boyfriend all at a go and not failing my assessments. Our very first destination was none other than... Bangkok! I still remember him saying that was the first plane ride of his life while we were still at the airport, our very first delicious pork burgers from McDonalds', the crazy taxi rides, and late-night beers with a live band playing in the background. After Bangkok, we visited Phuket for our little 'graduation trip' and had another grand time there; we had shrimp burgers this time round, some awesome rounds of snorkelling at the Phi Phi islands, amazing carbonara from a little Italian restaurant on Phi Phi, amazing mango shakes, scooter adventure to the oceanarium and too many more to be listed in this short entry.
They were amazing, and these memories were probably what first got me so enthusiastic about travelling.
Anyway, I got too dependent on having him in my life - to unhealthy levels where I wasn't giving him enough space and planned my life around him, I guess. I was such a possessive person (it didn't help that he seemed to be so popular with girls) when it boiled down to matters about him; I got jealous easily but would maintain that "everything's fine" and I think that pissed him off majorly each time. He liked to hit the clubs with his friends and I hated it whenever he refused to bring me along; you can guarantee that arguments will ensue almost immediately whenever that happens. It's really silly, looking back now, how our arguments will always be the same main ideas.
We parted ways few months after I entered university, about two weeks after he entered national service. There was no big fight (boring, right), instead, my feelings for him just sort of 'died down' and I suddenly felt like there was so much that I wanted to do in life but would be easier if I were alone rather than part of a couple. I had forgotten what it feels like to be single after such a long time and I realized I actually missed that feeling, so, on the night when he had his first book-out from camp and took us out for a nice two-year anniversary celebration dinner, I broke his heart.
I will always feel guilty about it, for my selfishness and for leaving him on his own when he most needed support from his loved ones (two weeks into bmt leh) and I've even thought about whether or not I should have waited two years (after he's finally done with NS) to initiate the break up - of course, friends have told me not to be silly and that I wouldn't be considered as being truthful or honest in our relationship if I were to do that.
We keep in occasional contact these days; off and online, and sometimes we meet for drinks or meals too. But of course, everything's strictly platonic now. I think Doug's a really forgiving person, because I will never want to keep in contact with someone who broke my heart so hard, but he does, and he still wouldn't mind hearing me rant about life even though we're no longer a couple now. I feel really fortunate to have him as a friend now, and I hope he feels the same way too.
Anyhow, it's been a super long entry about bits and pieces of my past. Before you leave the page, please remember once again that everything you have read today is solely from my point of view and may not be representative of the entire truth ;) I am indeed very thankful and glad to have had the opportunities to be loved at least once by the people I've just talked about (with the exception of my bitter first love, that is); we may not have the fortunes of sharing great happy endings but nonetheless, I am still thankful for the invaluable lessons in life that they have given to me, whether they meant them or not. The most important thing that I learnt from my previous relationships is to live my life for myself - I am happy because I am happy (and not because my boyfriend is happy), and I should think and make decisions based on what I want or like, and not because my boyfriend (or anybody else for that matter) thinks it's good/bad. Other than that, I also learnt to love myself more, tell myself that it's okay to be selfish in life sometimes as long as you don't harm anyone in doing so, understand that some negative feelings in people can be avoided by not saying or doing mean things to them, appreciate my loved ones much more. I would like to think that I will make a much better girlfriend now than what I once was, but that's really hard to say, since I don't have one to confirm that now, maybe my next boyfriend might be able to confirm that. :p
From the way I'm made things out to be, it sure sounds like I am already a much better person (if not girlfriend) compared to the past, doesn't it? What do you think?
ps. and just to clarify, I'm single and happy now!
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