My brows are finally seeing light

after having my fringe cover them for the past few months. Not really fond of that, I hope they quickly grow out to cover them again. Blah.

some (bullshit) advice

I haven't said this before, but oh my dear god, my cousin's the scariest (a.k.a. most reckless) driver I've ever met. It didn't seem so bad two years ago when I only knew how to change gears (and nothing about actual road conditions) and she gave me a few rides here and there, but now that I've been on the road myself for more than a year, her driving's one of the most terrifying things... no scrap that, make it the only terrifying thing I have to endure on this trip. I can feel my heart pumping real quickly and hear myself taking the deepest breaths whenever she attempts to overtake, whenever she follows so closely behind the rear of another car, or whenever she applies the brakes really late when we meet a red light; we're this close to the behind of the car in front of us (what is with prepositions and me?). I dread it most when she declares that she's in a hurry, because basically, everything happens twice as often.

What I did initially when one or more of the above mentioned happened was to open my eyes as widely as I can, inhale as deeply as I could and grab onto my seatbelt as tightly for dear life as I could. That basically did nothing to help lessen the fear; I was so sure that we were going to crash every single time. 

Then I felt like I didn't want to lose 10 years of my life by scaring myself out of my wits every time I get a ride from her, so I thought of the greatest way to deal with it. It's really something along the line of "what you can't see won't hurt you"; I started closing my eyes whenever I felt afraid (that's really like most of the time) while we're on the roads, and it worked more often than not. So it's not really about facing my fear... more like avoidance really. But whatever, I'm going to do that until she stops driving so crazily; and no, I'm not using that as an excuse to catch a few extra winks of sleep. 

This is why I'm fat

I've been eating and living like a queen for the past 10 days; all the food shown in the pictures above make up less than half of what I've been having for my yummy meals. Two servings here make one in Singapore; my relatives are pretty amazed that I can eat so much. The locals here are more liberal in their seasoning of food, especially hawker food; I hope I won't go back to Singapore to find our hawker food tasteless and bland.

We had an early Mother's Day celebration today; with an awesome Korean BBQ lunch for all 25 (closer) relatives here in Penang (8 mothers, plus the respective family members), and another awesome zhi char seafood dinner for the 25 of us again, 5 hours later. There was so much food to go around! I'm not a big fan of family gatherings (since I'm not exactly the most sociable person around), but make that a once-in-two-years kinda event, and you'll see me laughing and teasing my younger cousins. It's quite fun actually :)

help

I can't fall asleep when I'm supposed to!

Each night, I'd spend about 2 hours tossing and turning about restlessly in bed before I can fall into a light sleep, following which I'd have problems waking early. Relaxation is probably key, and I tried not to think about things, but I can't stop my mind from wandering. My 4-month long vacation has only just started, I'm supposed to be at my most relaxed right?

I envy people who can fall into deep sleep within minutes, really do.

Monkey circus

Ah Gong, in his usual stupor, stepped into the living room and said something unpleasant. Then, adults started behaving like children and I didn't understand why everyone was fighting for a chance to be heard. Amidst all the raised voices and interruption, I couldn't help but wonder to myself "wow where did everyone get their scripts from?" 

Taiwan drama serials? I never thought real-life family affairs (what's more, my own family) could get this messy, and the worst things that they show on telly are just make-believe; shows how much I know about them, doesn't it? Anyway, tonight, I learnt that women like to repeat what they say; time and time again. I heard mumsy say the same thing about my paternal grandma at least 8 times and I was so sick of it by the 4th. I'd wanted to tell her that she should really try to say something different, you know, just for impact/interest's sake. Blah. Now you know where my 'naggy genes' come from.

I couldn't understand all that was being said, not being the most eloquent Hokkien speaker myself, but I know enough to make out that trouble's been brewed and is now being served. I never knew there could be so much tension involved when my relatives start talking about money. It was a big dumbing moment for me, all 90 minutes of it (no half-time); there was no place for my voice to be heard, not that I can actually contribute to help make things any better. I hope this will be the last time I'll need to witness such a scene, and dear AJ, please remember that all that I've just seen will not be repeated in my own future family.

Oh, another dumbing moment took place in my uncle's car, while we were on the way to visit Grandma before all that drama took place. In a mixture of Manglish and Mandarin, he told me how his failed business has affected his life.

What was I to say? I could only offer nods to indicate acknowledgment of what has just been said and I wanted to tell him to look on the bright side of life and get his act back after some time because he can't possibly be wallowing in self-pity from now to future; only I didn't, because he'd probably feel like I'm too young, am just being rude and won't understand what he's going through. He sounded almost suicidal and depressed and I was really sad that one of the most optimistic relatives I had in the past has turned out to be one of the most dejected ones.

I've never had to talk to my uncle (and aunty some days back) about such serious/grown-up issues; is this a sign of adulthood? If yes, then how come everything is so unlike what I'd always made it to be in my tiny mind?

change

As we grow older, we tend to lose track of the frivolous thoughts we had as children; innocuous thoughts that were shared with the closest of friends. A multitude of new sights, sounds, smells and tastes flood our minds to replace the spaces once meant for storing these naive and laughable thoughts as time passes by, and we cannot help but forget about them when responsibilities start piling up.

Once in a while though, you get to revisit these thoughts in the most (un)expected circumstances; for example, chatting with a much younger cousin and having her tell you the exact same thing you'd have told a close friend when you were 15. Saying something like... "I'll get married when I'm 25" in the most serious of tones, seems to be a default 15 year-old girl kinda thing. How cute. Fast-forward a few years and what now?

I have the not-so-sudden realization that I'd be nearly 25 when I finally graduate from university; I don't have nearly enough savings, I haven't met the man of my dreams (literally; I've once dreamt of him and told G about it! No clue who that poor chap is though), and I haven't seen as much of the world as I'd like, to want to tie myself down. Am I just going to exchange all the freedom in the world just to fulfill this frivolous thought I once had? No. Was I being unrealistic? Yes. What the hell was I thinking when I was 15?!

Right now, as I'm saying all these, marriage is the last thing on my mind. What is keeping my mind occupied instead, are the possible trips in the upcoming semestral breaks, graduating with decent grades and to finally start teaching. If it's possible, I would even like to get out of the country and teach elsewhere for a long period of time. I'm really happy for all these general outline 'plans' that I've come up with for myself because they keep me motivated on a day-to-day basis, but who knows, 10 years down the road I might just be guffawing at myself again for all these unrealistic plans.

Change; that's what makes us look back and laugh at ourselves.
I'll remember to update this space in 10 years.

In the heavy rain that cuzzie and I were caught in 2 nights ago, her boyfriend's secondary schoolmate met with a car accident on another road and passed away. Heard from cuzzie's boyfriend that the friend was fooling around a bit with his girlfriend while taking a turn, and the brakes couldn't work properly on the slippery road. Their car managed to somehow flip onto the opposite side of the road and another car from that side of the road travelling rather quickly came crashing into them. He passed away on the spot, and the girlfriend was brought to the hospital in an unconscious state, with multiple injuries on her body and a swelling face. She's okay now, but she still doesn't know that he's passed away (friends have been keeping it from her), and has been even sharing with friends how she'd taken a day's leave from work to celebrate her boyfriend's birthday tomorrow. I think she'll go hysterical when they finally break the news to her.

takeaway point 1: Please drive carefully.

takeaway point 2: Don't take whatever you have for granted.