same smile, but different

In the past where my self-esteem used to be the size of a fifty-cent coin, and all I'd wanted was to be accepted by my friends and (now ex) boyfriends, my opinions were always based on what others thought; I would smile and nod in silent agreement with whatever opinions they had about issues that we discussed. It could be about anything; people, places and actions... if my friends said the food at a particular canteen sucks (I hate using this word now and I think people should too once they're over 21), I'll avoid the said canteen as much possible, even though I haven't tried any of the food at that canteen, or even if I've given it a try and thought the food wasn't as bad as they'd made it out to be. I never gave much thought about voicing out whatever opposing views I held, because 1) I didn't want to offend by going against people, 2) I was too lazy to question, and 3) I didn't want to stick out like a sore thumb.

Then, in the not too distant past, I started to become more (so much more) opinionated compared to the past; the one described in the above paragraph. Unlike the more distant past where my friends' views were used by me as a benchmark, I started to value my personal views/opinions about things and would give my take on just about everything. I wasn't as afraid of offending, just the exact opposite; I would go all out just to make sure I get my point across, state countless reasons to validate my point. I was intent on making my friends look at things from my point of view (that must have annoyed the hell out of them), until someone said to me one day: "Different people just have different expectations and beliefs in life, it's not possible to make all of them look your way all the time."

It bugged me for a little while, I just couldn't accept people being so narrow-minded, constantly uptight or emotionally-charged in their thinking and I'd wished that they'd be more reasonable and logical sometimes. Then I realized, I was becoming just like one of these people whom I've just described; yeah right, you are so open-minded but you just can't accept diversity. Nowadays, when I have some slightly opposing views from the others, I shut up and keep them to myself unless it's absolutely necessary to voice them out (quite often still, but much better than before lah; cut me some slack please). It's just so tiring to constantly be engaged in debates (a.k.a. sometimes-mindless-squabbles) with friends over dinner, when I've had a long hard day. I can't be bothered to start or win arguments any more. And besides, sometimes it's just quite amusing to see certain people defend themselves so self-righteously, with their narrow-mindedness/up tightness/emotionally-charged thinking displayed proudly all at once - I'm sure some of you were pretty amused by me at some point in time.

This doesn't make me non-receptive to what my friends say; I still smile mostly at what most people like to say, but these days, I just don't nod my head as vigorously or as much as before.