Feeling immense pangs of guilt after having my tutor 'talk' to me for producing a sloppy assignment in a module that I'd started off on a wrong foot. We didn't leave great first impressions on each other, the tutor and me; I missed the first lesson without a valid reason, arrived 5 minutes late (was booth-manning and the next person came in late) for the second one, and was berated by her in front of my classmates for that 5 minutes (don't think I've felt so humiliated ever since the stepping-on-skirt incident). Complying with her demand, I wrote a her an apology email; acknowledged my mistakes and told her that I was more than willing to take responsibility for my absence. I could never look at her objectively ever since.
Until today.
I confess, I haven't been exactly fair to her when I describe her to my friends sometimes; I'm always painting her in a negative light - the evil tutor that everyone hates. And it's been like that since that second unfortunate lesson; I'm forever choosing to talk about how she's crazy strict with her requirements, her narrow-mindedness and obstinateness for not allowing the slightest use of handphones in class, talking about me behind my back with other tutors, her poor choices of words that sometimes seem to indicate that the class is void of common sense, her trying-too-hard laughs and trivial things like that, instead of focusing on or acknowledging the great multitude of teaching experiences she's accumulated over the years and the extremely logical and useful teaching tips that she's been sharing with us in the lessons.Or simply the fact that she's able to remember all of our names without ever having to refer to the class list.
And so, I was genuinely taken aback after today's lesson when she wanted to find out if anything was wrong, and why the sloppy work. I apologized (on my own accord this time round) for not paying more attention while she was talking in the earlier lessons and for letting her down, mustered a sheepish smile and reached for the door handle. I haven't stopped feeling guilty ever since I walked out of that room.
Gave some serious thought about it on the way home earlier and decided that I will start putting in my best efforts for all the remaining assignments before the end of my degree programme journey lest I further disappoint more tutors, my parents or myself. It's for the best of me, anyway. Of course, I will also stop being the asshole student who is constantly bitching about how horrible her tutor is.
Talking about it makes me realize what a terrible person I am, though getting it off my chest here has made me feel slightly better. I think I can truly try to move on now.
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