It's a long one, so, go on only if you have the time to spare. I edited some parts, some slight differences here and there. Don't mention the differences if you know what they are, this is what I would like to ask of those who've read the original version.
I fell for someone whom I really should not have.
A year ago, I said to myself and the people around who cared, "I will concentrate on my studies. No more love for me until I've had my share of fun, until I learn to love myself for being who I am." I've hurt friends (okay maybe just one friend) while I said that, and people laughed at me for saying that because it seemed like the most incredulous thing that came out of someone who hasn't been single for the past three years.
I was determined to prove all these people wrong, determined to have the last laugh and the past ten-odd months have been some of the best months of my life. In less than a year, I actually got round to spending more time with friends (as opposed to time spent with the ex-boyfriends), I've made new friends in university, and I've also learnt to appreciate everyone and everything that I have so much more than I did. I did the damnedest things I'd never before imagined myself to, laughed a lot, cried a lot, but I started loving myself more for being who I am too.
It did seem to me that I was indeed going to have that last laugh; that I am finally able to prove all the people who laughed at me wrong. Until I met him. There are many things that I'm clueless about, but one thing's for sure: it definitely wasn't love at first sight. I don't even remember him leaving any strong impressions (and I expect the same to go for him too) after our very brief first meeting one weekend in July. I did remember him as the person with one dope-cute furball though.
So much for our first encounter. I guess we bumped into each other once or twice more after July, but there was nothing particularly memorable about the subsequent meetings either. He was still nothing to me but a mere accquaintance.
Then school started. We bumped into each other one day at some fair; he took down my number as I chuckled to myself how funnily he was dressed. I thought nothing much about it, or him until two nights later. I had a dream; and he was in it. In my dream, we were in a foreign and faraway place. Dressed in the most casual manner, we looked like a couple; arms round waists, hand-in-hand, laughing heartily to ourselves for all the things that we were saying to each other as we followed a good friend around; he seemed to be showing us around the strange place we were in. We looked truly happy where we were.
I remember waking up with a smile; thinking to myself what a sweet dream it was. And then I laughed at the absurdity of it; I barely know this guy. But after I'd finish laughing at how ridiculous my dream was, I couldn't help but wonder: why him of all the people I know? And it did get me thinking about him a lot more.
Maybe he knew I'd dreamt of him. He messaged the very next day, and asked if I wanted to have dinner. Looking back, I find it quite funny how it took about three or four messages for me to realize that he was asking if I wanted to have dinner with him, and not just merely informing me that he's having dinner.
Things changed for me since that evening. I thought of him a lot more, smiled to myself whenever I thought of him, and I'd find myself looking forward to our dinner/supper/etc meetings. We started seeing each other almost every single day; and each time was justifiable by one reason or other. Of course I'd come to grow fond of him, but, I never stopped reminding myself that I shouldn't be greedy and start asking for more than what we already have.
I know we didn't start off as much, but he's the best thing that's happened to me since the start of this semester, just second-place to all that love that my friends and family've showered on me. For all the ups and downs that I'm going through right now, I know I'll feel much better just after seeing and talking to him. It works almost like magic (our meetings, I cannot find the right words to describe why), only better. We can talk about many things under the sun, but there are also the topics that I never dare to talk to him about; topics that once broached, may threaten to spoil everything.
Stupid/naive as it sounds, I'm happy just being where we are now. I'm not taking any more steps forward emotionally, because I really shouldn't and it will only make it seem like I'm just rushing into things. Of course I am thankful for all of you who's reading this, but it's not everyday that someone who is able to bring this much joy into our lives come along; someone who accepts us for who we are, who can so effortlessly lift us up and out of the deepest and bleakest troughs where we are stuck in, and someone whom we can share our heartfelt thoughts or ideas with (okay la, we are not really here yet).
Some few days back, I thought that something more than what we are now was possible. Some few days back, I thought we could be a couple, like what I'd dreamt some few weeks back. And just a few days ago, having that greedy thought yet knowing that nothing's coming out of it, that put me through a lot of agony and heartache that was totally uncalled for.
That was some few days back. Today, I don't want anything more than what we have now, I just want to be friends, nothing more. I am grateful for our budding friendship, and I'm not spoiling it by setting expectations for either one of us. The reason why I got so emotional about things was because I, myself had decided that getting together was a possibility but really, it's only wishful thinking on solely my part because, I know it's not going to happen (don't ask me why, I just know). I will blame no one but myself for thinking that way, for misleading myself onto the wrong path but now, I think I've seen the light and I'm getting back on track, so that's all that counts.
To all the friends that got a scare or two, who were geniuinely worried about me, I'm sorry for putting you through all my emo-rubbish but I'm glad to say, I'm okay now! I hope I'm not going to fall in so hard and quickly into what I mis-intepretated as love again. I never thought I'd be able to pick up this quickly, but I think I did and I'm proud of myself for that. I hope you are proud of me for that too. Love to y'all.
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